Special Unit 3 - Part 8 of 9
Aug. 10th, 2009 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wiseheartTitle: SPECIAL UNIT 3
Author: Soledad
Fandom: Torchwood/Special Unit 2 x-over, with a guest appearance of the Tenth Doctor.
Category: Heavy-duty Gwen bashing and a great deal of silliness.
Rating: 14+, for language.
Genre: Crackfic, with gender bending, body swap, whatever – the whole nine miles.
Series: none
Timeframe: indefinite. Perhaps “Sleepers”, from Series 2 for Torchwood, but not necessarily.
Summary: Once again, Gwen fumbles around with something she was told not to touch. The consequences are… unusual.
Disclaimer: the usual: don’t own, don’t sue! Everything belongs to RTD and BBC - and UPN, respectively.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PART EIGHT: EVERYTHING CHANGES
Author’s notes:
According to online sources, the very first scene filmed with Christopher Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor was the one with Toshiko (called Dr. Sato) in the episode “Aliens of London”. And yeah, I know the technobabble is still rubbish. It isn’t meant to be taken seriously, either.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The following days proved… interesting, to put it mildly. Like a Chinese curse. The Doctor, Jack and Tosh – with the enthusiastic help of Archie McAllister, who was indeed thrilled to meet Torchwood’s arch enemy – worked round the clock to somehow funnel some Rift energy into the “batteries” of the artefact, but it proved far more difficult than any of them might have expected.
At least they were making some progress, as Tosh explained them on the third evening. They were all sitting in the main Hub area, eating takeaway pizza and feeding the boxes to the now-tentacled Myfanwy. The pterodactyl-turned-bizarre-green-monster was sitting on the floor next to Ianto, wrapping one tentacle tenderly around his ankle while stuffing rubbish into its maw with the other eight, munching happily.
It was a disturbingly… domestic scene, Jack found. Well, as long as it didn’t escalate into tentacle sex, he was willing to tolerate it.
In the meantime, Gwen the Gnome woke up, of course, and threw a spectacular temper tantrum in her cell. Fortunately, Martha came up with the idea of flooding the cell with sleeping gas, or else he’d have woken up Janet the petrified Gargoyle in the next one. Which, as Owen warned them, would have been a very bad thing, as Gargoyles functioned as a hive mind – at least in some of the wackier online computer games he liked to play – and all the stone monsters in the sewers could have come alive, too.
“It’s not just us,” the pretty doctor explained to Andy, with whom he seemed to have come to a truce in the recent days. “The whole fucking city is at risk. If those monsters wake up before we could turn them back into Weevils… well, it’s not a pleasant thought.”
“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Andy patted his knee encouragingly. “I’m sure Toshiko and the others will solve the problem, soon.”
Considering that Owen was wearing an elegant, dark grey suit with a skirt today – he seemed to be getting a knack on feminine fashion lately – everyone stiffened, expecting him to break Andy’s arm, at the very least, for pawing him. To general surprise, nothing in the kind happened, which sent Ianto’s suspicious mind into overdrive with speculation. Owen liked to have sex, after all. And if the price for getting some was to… experiment with his no-longer-so-hidden inner woman – well, he was known to have shagged guys before. Not too often, but he had.
“Well, I hope they do,” Ianto replied to Andy, absently petting the green octopus currently hugging his leg. “Although I must admit I’ll miss Myfanwy like this. She’s so affectionate – and she does all the cleaning up for me.”
That he was sorely tempted to do some… experimenting with his own inner woman was not something he felt the urge to share with the others.
“You’re sick, Ianto,” Owen declared. “Jack has been a bad, bad influence on you.”
“Depends on your definition of bad,” Ianto replied with a rather un-ladylike grin. “I don’t mind his… influence at all. Or wouldn’t, were he his old self again.”
“Please!” Owen closed those lovely, doe-like eyes of his in pain. “I don’t want to know, okay? Never did, never would. Just… just keep your bedroom secrets well-hidden.”
The Doctor, who was quietly listening to them, had become beet red by then. For such an ancient, immortal being, he was surprisingly easily embarrassed. At least the current regeneration of his was. He coughed into his teacup discretely.
“Well, I don’t want to inspire any unfounded hopes,” he said, “but we’re close to solving the problem. The help of Dr. Sato proved invaluable, but that’s not really surprising. She’s always been very competent.”
“Where do you know Tosh anyway?” Owen asked.
“Oh, we’ve met back in 2006, in London, during the Slitheen invasion,” the Doctor replied airily. “I mean, she and the previous me. If I’m not mistaken, she was filling in for you in the morgue, abducting that space pig. You know, the one you were supposed to do the autopsy on.”
“Only that he was having the mother of all hangovers,” Tosh added with a sickeningly sweet smile. “I’ve known the Doctor for years. Longer than Jack, in fact.”
“I thought Jack met the Doctor back during the Blitz,” Ianto said, a little confused.
“True, but in linear time, my previous self met Dr. Sato earlier than Jack,” the Doctor explained. “Timey-wimey… when you’re a time traveller, things can get a little… complicated sometimes.” He looked at Tosh with a speculative eye. “You know, if we manage to solve this little problem, you could come with me. See the universe… past and future… have an adventure or two…”
Tosh shot Jack’s impassive face a quick glance. “I don’t think that would be possible right now. My… contract with Torchwood hasn’t run off yet.”
The wordless exchange didn’t remain unnoticed by the Doctor.
“Oh, I’m sure we can arrange something,” he said brightly. “Can’t we, Jack? Extended leave, perhaps? A field mission or two?”
“What’s up with you, Doctor?” Martha asked in fake surprise. “Have sworn off of dumb blondes, all of the sudden?”
The Time Lord shrugged. “Well, you won’t come back, would you? And I find I’ve come to appreciate intelligence in a lady.”
“Can we concentrate on solving the actual problem first?” Jack asked. “We’ll negotiate about the chance of me letting Tosh go with you, okay?”
“Speaking of which,” Andy said, “exactly how close are you to solving it?”
“It’s not that simple,” McAllister sighed. “We’ve already figured out how to make the recharging process work. But the energy cell has been damaged – it experienced a near-critical overload, in fact – so it won’t be able to absorb enough energy from the Rift to change all of you back at the same time.”
“Meaning?” Andy clearly wasn’t following the technobabble, and who could blame him? He was just a beat cop.
“Meaning that you’ll have to spend some quality time with the dream lamp, each and every one of you,” McAllister explained. “Beyond that, the energy cell would be depleted after a while… presumably before everyone wouldae had their turn.”
“Well, that’s… not so good,” Ianto, the master of understatement, commented.
“Nah,” McAllister agreed. “And the worst part is: we only can recharge the energy cell once. The second group will have to wait at least six months, until the lamp slowly recharges itself.”
“Which means you’ll have to make choices,” the Doctor added. “You’ll have to consider who needs to be changed back immediately and who’ll have to wait for my next visit.”
“You mean you’re gonna come back in six months?” Jack asked.
The Doctor gave him a droll look. “You don’t really think I’d leave my sonic screwdriver here with you, do you?”
Jack shrugged. “Well, a guy has to try, hasn’t he? In any case, I’d say Gwen needs to be changed back first, so that we can hand her back to Rhys – for good.”
“And Janet with her,” Ianto added. “We can’t risk the Gargoyles waking up and going on a rampant killing spree all over Cardiff. If we take the artefact down to the cells, the others will be shielded from the effects, at least partially. The cells have been built to contain alien threats, after all.”
“Jack must be among the first to be changed back, too,” McAllister said. Jack tried to protest, but the Scotsman wasn’t having any of it. “No, Jack, it has to be. Be reasonable. You’re the leader of the only fully functioning Torchwood branch right now – the de facto head of our whole organization. You have to deal with UNIT and the Prime Minister on a regular basis; even with the Queen occasionally. You need to be yourself.”
“And so does Andy,” Tosh said.
Andy shook his head. “No, no, ladies first.”
“But you can’t stay someone else for half a year,” Jack reminded him. “What about your job? The police won’t believe you.”
Andy shrugged. “I thought you were gonna hire me.”
“Well… yes, I planned to,” Jack was a bit taken aback by his directness. “I just didn’t expect you to be still willing, now that you’ve seen what Torchwood is all about.”
“It’s not easy to swallow,” Andy admitted. “But I think I’d be bored to death if I went back walking the beat again… and I could be more useful here.”
“True enough,” Jack agreed. “Now that we’re rid of Gwen, we’ve got an opening anyway. And if Tosh goes away with the Doctor – which can last a while – we’ll need even more staff… not that anyone could replace her where computers are concerned.”
Tosh stared at him with astonished puppy dog eyes. Her current shape made it easy to do the puppy-eyed routine.
“You’ll let me go?” she whispered in stunned disbelief.
Jack raised a forefinger warningly. “Not for good, mind you. It’s… well, a loan. For the six months the artefact needs for recharging. After that, I expect you to come back and bring your… contract to the end.”
“And when she’s done it?” the Doctor asked. “Can I have she back then?”
“That,” Jack grinned, “will be a matter of different negotiations. You’ll have to work it out with her yourself.”
“But who’ll do my work while I’m away?” Tosh asked worriedly. Jack shrugged.
“I’m sure Ianto and I can manage between us… for a while anyway. You’ve taught him a lot. We’ll have to hire someone temporarily for the tourist office, of course, but if we keep Myfanwy the way she’s now, cleaning the Hub won’t be a problem and Ianto would have more time for the really important stuff.”
“All right,” the Doctor rubbed his hands gleefully. “Let’s see then if we can get the artefact working again. I’d suggest that only Jack and Toshiko come down to the cells with us, so that both Archie and the manipulator can… well, focus.”
“Oi!” Owen protested. “What about me?”
“I’m sorry, Owen, but you’ll have to wait to get your dick back for a while yet,” Jack answered. “And so will Ianto, I’m afraid.”
Ianto didn’t seem to be particularly concerned. “As long as I get turned back, I won’t mind… experimenting a little,” he said, giving Jack an X-rated smile. It was enough to get the older man hot and bothered, even with his current, considerably limited libido. “It seems to work for Owen, so what the hell:”
“Erm… right,” Jack said, ignoring Owen’s indignant spluttering. “Well, if you’re all done with the pizza, let’s go down to the cells and do this.”
“Fortunately, we have CCTV surveillance in the cells,” Ianto peeled Myfanwy off his ankle and swayed over to the surveillance monitor. “Popcorn anyone?”
He didn’t get any answer. All men present were staring at his pretty arse in the sinfully tight miniskirt – including Owen, who, technically, wasn’t even a man right now. Martha giggled hysterically at the sight of such testosterone overload.
“Ianto, stop wiggling your backside at them before they start a fight over you,” she said when she could breathe again. “And you, guys, get your act together; or do you want to abandon the entire project for Ianto’s arse?”
Jack snapped out of it (admittedly with some difficulty), grinned at her and saluted.
“Ma’am, yes, ma’am!” he replied in a crisp military manner and marched out of the door.
Recovering from their slightly dazzled state, the Doctor and Archie McAllister followed suit. Tosh did the same, sharing an eyeroll with Martha on her way out.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The others made themselves comfortable on the couch, from where they could all see the surveillance monitor well. Ianto distributed coffee and popcorn, and then arranged his long, graceful limbs in the most enticing manner, allowing Myfanwy to wrap her tentacles around his leg again. Even a green octopus needed love, after all; and Myfanwy had worked hard enough lately to deserve a little affection.
“All right,” he said brightly, “we’re ready here, Jack, you can start.”
“This gonna be better than prime time BBC,” Owen commented, stuffing his face with popcorn in a most un-ladylike manner.
“Don’t distract them,” Andy chided the others, wriggling closer to Owen than it was humanly possible. “We don’t want them lose focus, do we?”
Ianto tried to look contrite – and failed. The gender-swap had brought out a playful side of him; a side nobody would have expected of him. All of a sudden, he found so many things amusing it surprised even him.
In the meantime Jack and McAllister had positioned the reality manipulator in front of Gwen’s cell. The Doctor watched them impatiently, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet, sonic screwdriver on the ready.
“We’ve reached maximum charge,” Tosh said, checking things on her computer tablet. “Now or never, Archie… Doctor…”
Archie placed his hands on the upper section of the dream lamp, closed his eyes and concentrated. The Doctor pointed the sonic screwdriver at the thing and activated it. Everyone waited anxiously for the results; Owen stopped chewing his popcorn… and almost his breathing, too.
For a moment, nothing happened, and Jack began to despair. But then, the ‘stem’ of the lamp began to glow in a soft golden hue, and another moment later a vibrant blue light filled the upper part, pulsing lightly. Now everything depended on Archie, and the Scotsman was chalk white and sweating with the mental effort to bend the faulty instrument to his will again.
The blue light became stronger and brighter, filling the narrow space in front of the cells. Hit by it, Jack and Tosh collapsed on the floor, writhing in pain. The outlines of their bodies became fluid, like those of an amoeba. The same happened to Gwen the Gnome, while Janet the Gargoyle seemed to shatter to pieces and then turn into a puddle of greenish goo on the cell floor.
“Ouch!” Andy commented. “Seems painful, doesn’t it? So that’s why we all woke up hurting like hell!”
Martha nodded. “Human bodies weren’t meant to go through any kind of metamorphosis; it’s quite a strain on one’s system. Let’s hope this is the last time any of you have to suffer it.”
The blue light thickened to a blue-grey mist down at the cells, so that they couldn’t see a thing for a while. Then the fog dissipated, and they could see Jack, greatcoat and all, lying on the floor, apparently unconscious. The Doctor was supporting Tosh – pretty, female and petite as ever – into a sitting position, as she couldn’t do it on her own yet.
Janet, back to her usual charming self, was howling in the farthest corner of her cell, and even Gwen seemed to be her old self again.
Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, of course, was up to debate.
Archie, too, sat on the floor, slumped against the wall, breathing heavily. The artefact was grey and dead once again. They could only hope that it hadn’t burned out beyond the chance of one last recharging.
“Come,” Martha said to Owen. “By the sight of it, everyone but the Doctor is in shock. They’ll need medical assistance down there.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In the end, it took almost two days for everyone to recover. Jack used the time to talk with Rhys, explaining him that Gwen had suffered a head trauma and lost her memory due to an unfortunate accident of her own doing.
“She wouldn’t remember working for Torchwood at all,” he added, “and there’s no way to know just yet how far back the amnesia goes, although our doctors estimate it to be about two years or so.”
He also suggested that Rhys would do better if he moved with her to another town.
“Torchwood will provide the financial means for the move,” he explained.
Rhys was so happy with the arrangement – he’d always hated Gwen’s secretive new job that ruined their private life; plus he was all too eager to remove Gwen from Jack’s proximity – that they didn’t even have to Retcon him. Which made things a lot less complicated. He’d keep Gwen away from people and places that could trigger her memories, and they’d live happily ever after somewhere else. Preferably far, far away.
Andy asked for a transfer to Torchwood, and – thanks to the help of one Detective Inspector Henderson who could never deny Jack anything – he got it, taking over Gwen’s place. Tosh and Martha left with the Doctor, promising that they’ll be all back in six months to help the rest of the team get back to their true selves. Archie returned to Glasgow but would also be back in half a year’s time.
Reports of the strange stone monsters having vanished from the sewers kept Cardiff all excited for the next couple of weeks. The archaeologist, having seen himself on the ruins of his potentially sensational discovery, suffered a nervous breakdown and was now treated in a mental institute. Other than that, things returned to normal.
The dry cleaner’s was a tourist office again, much to Ianto’s relief, who was now promoted to tech girl, although he shared those duties with Jack. As foreseen, even their combined efforts weren’t enough to even come close to Tosh’ usual efficiency, though. She was a genius, after all, and sometimes Jack regretted allowing her to go with the Doctor, even for such a limited time.
At other times he did not. Tosh deserved to have an adventure and to see the wonders of the universe. Besides, in her absence Jack could pretend to have to work late with Ianto. Not that either Owen or Andy would buy it, but that wasn’t the point. Trying to come up with halfway convincing excuses to stay alone with Ianto and shag him on every available surface within the Hub was part of the fun.
“You know,” he said after a particularly energetic exercise in the hothouse, “we really need to find a part-time receptionist. At this rate, we’ll be both run ragged within weeks, even though Myfanwy takes care of the rubbish.”
“Promises, promises,” Ianto replied airily and followed him into the shower.
Epilogue
Author: Soledad
Fandom: Torchwood/Special Unit 2 x-over, with a guest appearance of the Tenth Doctor.
Category: Heavy-duty Gwen bashing and a great deal of silliness.
Rating: 14+, for language.
Genre: Crackfic, with gender bending, body swap, whatever – the whole nine miles.
Series: none
Timeframe: indefinite. Perhaps “Sleepers”, from Series 2 for Torchwood, but not necessarily.
Summary: Once again, Gwen fumbles around with something she was told not to touch. The consequences are… unusual.
Disclaimer: the usual: don’t own, don’t sue! Everything belongs to RTD and BBC - and UPN, respectively.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PART EIGHT: EVERYTHING CHANGES
Author’s notes:
According to online sources, the very first scene filmed with Christopher Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor was the one with Toshiko (called Dr. Sato) in the episode “Aliens of London”. And yeah, I know the technobabble is still rubbish. It isn’t meant to be taken seriously, either.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The following days proved… interesting, to put it mildly. Like a Chinese curse. The Doctor, Jack and Tosh – with the enthusiastic help of Archie McAllister, who was indeed thrilled to meet Torchwood’s arch enemy – worked round the clock to somehow funnel some Rift energy into the “batteries” of the artefact, but it proved far more difficult than any of them might have expected.
At least they were making some progress, as Tosh explained them on the third evening. They were all sitting in the main Hub area, eating takeaway pizza and feeding the boxes to the now-tentacled Myfanwy. The pterodactyl-turned-bizarre-green-monster was sitting on the floor next to Ianto, wrapping one tentacle tenderly around his ankle while stuffing rubbish into its maw with the other eight, munching happily.
It was a disturbingly… domestic scene, Jack found. Well, as long as it didn’t escalate into tentacle sex, he was willing to tolerate it.
In the meantime, Gwen the Gnome woke up, of course, and threw a spectacular temper tantrum in her cell. Fortunately, Martha came up with the idea of flooding the cell with sleeping gas, or else he’d have woken up Janet the petrified Gargoyle in the next one. Which, as Owen warned them, would have been a very bad thing, as Gargoyles functioned as a hive mind – at least in some of the wackier online computer games he liked to play – and all the stone monsters in the sewers could have come alive, too.
“It’s not just us,” the pretty doctor explained to Andy, with whom he seemed to have come to a truce in the recent days. “The whole fucking city is at risk. If those monsters wake up before we could turn them back into Weevils… well, it’s not a pleasant thought.”
“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Andy patted his knee encouragingly. “I’m sure Toshiko and the others will solve the problem, soon.”
Considering that Owen was wearing an elegant, dark grey suit with a skirt today – he seemed to be getting a knack on feminine fashion lately – everyone stiffened, expecting him to break Andy’s arm, at the very least, for pawing him. To general surprise, nothing in the kind happened, which sent Ianto’s suspicious mind into overdrive with speculation. Owen liked to have sex, after all. And if the price for getting some was to… experiment with his no-longer-so-hidden inner woman – well, he was known to have shagged guys before. Not too often, but he had.
“Well, I hope they do,” Ianto replied to Andy, absently petting the green octopus currently hugging his leg. “Although I must admit I’ll miss Myfanwy like this. She’s so affectionate – and she does all the cleaning up for me.”
That he was sorely tempted to do some… experimenting with his own inner woman was not something he felt the urge to share with the others.
“You’re sick, Ianto,” Owen declared. “Jack has been a bad, bad influence on you.”
“Depends on your definition of bad,” Ianto replied with a rather un-ladylike grin. “I don’t mind his… influence at all. Or wouldn’t, were he his old self again.”
“Please!” Owen closed those lovely, doe-like eyes of his in pain. “I don’t want to know, okay? Never did, never would. Just… just keep your bedroom secrets well-hidden.”
The Doctor, who was quietly listening to them, had become beet red by then. For such an ancient, immortal being, he was surprisingly easily embarrassed. At least the current regeneration of his was. He coughed into his teacup discretely.
“Well, I don’t want to inspire any unfounded hopes,” he said, “but we’re close to solving the problem. The help of Dr. Sato proved invaluable, but that’s not really surprising. She’s always been very competent.”
“Where do you know Tosh anyway?” Owen asked.
“Oh, we’ve met back in 2006, in London, during the Slitheen invasion,” the Doctor replied airily. “I mean, she and the previous me. If I’m not mistaken, she was filling in for you in the morgue, abducting that space pig. You know, the one you were supposed to do the autopsy on.”
“Only that he was having the mother of all hangovers,” Tosh added with a sickeningly sweet smile. “I’ve known the Doctor for years. Longer than Jack, in fact.”
“I thought Jack met the Doctor back during the Blitz,” Ianto said, a little confused.
“True, but in linear time, my previous self met Dr. Sato earlier than Jack,” the Doctor explained. “Timey-wimey… when you’re a time traveller, things can get a little… complicated sometimes.” He looked at Tosh with a speculative eye. “You know, if we manage to solve this little problem, you could come with me. See the universe… past and future… have an adventure or two…”
Tosh shot Jack’s impassive face a quick glance. “I don’t think that would be possible right now. My… contract with Torchwood hasn’t run off yet.”
The wordless exchange didn’t remain unnoticed by the Doctor.
“Oh, I’m sure we can arrange something,” he said brightly. “Can’t we, Jack? Extended leave, perhaps? A field mission or two?”
“What’s up with you, Doctor?” Martha asked in fake surprise. “Have sworn off of dumb blondes, all of the sudden?”
The Time Lord shrugged. “Well, you won’t come back, would you? And I find I’ve come to appreciate intelligence in a lady.”
“Can we concentrate on solving the actual problem first?” Jack asked. “We’ll negotiate about the chance of me letting Tosh go with you, okay?”
“Speaking of which,” Andy said, “exactly how close are you to solving it?”
“It’s not that simple,” McAllister sighed. “We’ve already figured out how to make the recharging process work. But the energy cell has been damaged – it experienced a near-critical overload, in fact – so it won’t be able to absorb enough energy from the Rift to change all of you back at the same time.”
“Meaning?” Andy clearly wasn’t following the technobabble, and who could blame him? He was just a beat cop.
“Meaning that you’ll have to spend some quality time with the dream lamp, each and every one of you,” McAllister explained. “Beyond that, the energy cell would be depleted after a while… presumably before everyone wouldae had their turn.”
“Well, that’s… not so good,” Ianto, the master of understatement, commented.
“Nah,” McAllister agreed. “And the worst part is: we only can recharge the energy cell once. The second group will have to wait at least six months, until the lamp slowly recharges itself.”
“Which means you’ll have to make choices,” the Doctor added. “You’ll have to consider who needs to be changed back immediately and who’ll have to wait for my next visit.”
“You mean you’re gonna come back in six months?” Jack asked.
The Doctor gave him a droll look. “You don’t really think I’d leave my sonic screwdriver here with you, do you?”
Jack shrugged. “Well, a guy has to try, hasn’t he? In any case, I’d say Gwen needs to be changed back first, so that we can hand her back to Rhys – for good.”
“And Janet with her,” Ianto added. “We can’t risk the Gargoyles waking up and going on a rampant killing spree all over Cardiff. If we take the artefact down to the cells, the others will be shielded from the effects, at least partially. The cells have been built to contain alien threats, after all.”
“Jack must be among the first to be changed back, too,” McAllister said. Jack tried to protest, but the Scotsman wasn’t having any of it. “No, Jack, it has to be. Be reasonable. You’re the leader of the only fully functioning Torchwood branch right now – the de facto head of our whole organization. You have to deal with UNIT and the Prime Minister on a regular basis; even with the Queen occasionally. You need to be yourself.”
“And so does Andy,” Tosh said.
Andy shook his head. “No, no, ladies first.”
“But you can’t stay someone else for half a year,” Jack reminded him. “What about your job? The police won’t believe you.”
Andy shrugged. “I thought you were gonna hire me.”
“Well… yes, I planned to,” Jack was a bit taken aback by his directness. “I just didn’t expect you to be still willing, now that you’ve seen what Torchwood is all about.”
“It’s not easy to swallow,” Andy admitted. “But I think I’d be bored to death if I went back walking the beat again… and I could be more useful here.”
“True enough,” Jack agreed. “Now that we’re rid of Gwen, we’ve got an opening anyway. And if Tosh goes away with the Doctor – which can last a while – we’ll need even more staff… not that anyone could replace her where computers are concerned.”
Tosh stared at him with astonished puppy dog eyes. Her current shape made it easy to do the puppy-eyed routine.
“You’ll let me go?” she whispered in stunned disbelief.
Jack raised a forefinger warningly. “Not for good, mind you. It’s… well, a loan. For the six months the artefact needs for recharging. After that, I expect you to come back and bring your… contract to the end.”
“And when she’s done it?” the Doctor asked. “Can I have she back then?”
“That,” Jack grinned, “will be a matter of different negotiations. You’ll have to work it out with her yourself.”
“But who’ll do my work while I’m away?” Tosh asked worriedly. Jack shrugged.
“I’m sure Ianto and I can manage between us… for a while anyway. You’ve taught him a lot. We’ll have to hire someone temporarily for the tourist office, of course, but if we keep Myfanwy the way she’s now, cleaning the Hub won’t be a problem and Ianto would have more time for the really important stuff.”
“All right,” the Doctor rubbed his hands gleefully. “Let’s see then if we can get the artefact working again. I’d suggest that only Jack and Toshiko come down to the cells with us, so that both Archie and the manipulator can… well, focus.”
“Oi!” Owen protested. “What about me?”
“I’m sorry, Owen, but you’ll have to wait to get your dick back for a while yet,” Jack answered. “And so will Ianto, I’m afraid.”
Ianto didn’t seem to be particularly concerned. “As long as I get turned back, I won’t mind… experimenting a little,” he said, giving Jack an X-rated smile. It was enough to get the older man hot and bothered, even with his current, considerably limited libido. “It seems to work for Owen, so what the hell:”
“Erm… right,” Jack said, ignoring Owen’s indignant spluttering. “Well, if you’re all done with the pizza, let’s go down to the cells and do this.”
“Fortunately, we have CCTV surveillance in the cells,” Ianto peeled Myfanwy off his ankle and swayed over to the surveillance monitor. “Popcorn anyone?”
He didn’t get any answer. All men present were staring at his pretty arse in the sinfully tight miniskirt – including Owen, who, technically, wasn’t even a man right now. Martha giggled hysterically at the sight of such testosterone overload.
“Ianto, stop wiggling your backside at them before they start a fight over you,” she said when she could breathe again. “And you, guys, get your act together; or do you want to abandon the entire project for Ianto’s arse?”
Jack snapped out of it (admittedly with some difficulty), grinned at her and saluted.
“Ma’am, yes, ma’am!” he replied in a crisp military manner and marched out of the door.
Recovering from their slightly dazzled state, the Doctor and Archie McAllister followed suit. Tosh did the same, sharing an eyeroll with Martha on her way out.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The others made themselves comfortable on the couch, from where they could all see the surveillance monitor well. Ianto distributed coffee and popcorn, and then arranged his long, graceful limbs in the most enticing manner, allowing Myfanwy to wrap her tentacles around his leg again. Even a green octopus needed love, after all; and Myfanwy had worked hard enough lately to deserve a little affection.
“All right,” he said brightly, “we’re ready here, Jack, you can start.”
“This gonna be better than prime time BBC,” Owen commented, stuffing his face with popcorn in a most un-ladylike manner.
“Don’t distract them,” Andy chided the others, wriggling closer to Owen than it was humanly possible. “We don’t want them lose focus, do we?”
Ianto tried to look contrite – and failed. The gender-swap had brought out a playful side of him; a side nobody would have expected of him. All of a sudden, he found so many things amusing it surprised even him.
In the meantime Jack and McAllister had positioned the reality manipulator in front of Gwen’s cell. The Doctor watched them impatiently, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet, sonic screwdriver on the ready.
“We’ve reached maximum charge,” Tosh said, checking things on her computer tablet. “Now or never, Archie… Doctor…”
Archie placed his hands on the upper section of the dream lamp, closed his eyes and concentrated. The Doctor pointed the sonic screwdriver at the thing and activated it. Everyone waited anxiously for the results; Owen stopped chewing his popcorn… and almost his breathing, too.
For a moment, nothing happened, and Jack began to despair. But then, the ‘stem’ of the lamp began to glow in a soft golden hue, and another moment later a vibrant blue light filled the upper part, pulsing lightly. Now everything depended on Archie, and the Scotsman was chalk white and sweating with the mental effort to bend the faulty instrument to his will again.
The blue light became stronger and brighter, filling the narrow space in front of the cells. Hit by it, Jack and Tosh collapsed on the floor, writhing in pain. The outlines of their bodies became fluid, like those of an amoeba. The same happened to Gwen the Gnome, while Janet the Gargoyle seemed to shatter to pieces and then turn into a puddle of greenish goo on the cell floor.
“Ouch!” Andy commented. “Seems painful, doesn’t it? So that’s why we all woke up hurting like hell!”
Martha nodded. “Human bodies weren’t meant to go through any kind of metamorphosis; it’s quite a strain on one’s system. Let’s hope this is the last time any of you have to suffer it.”
The blue light thickened to a blue-grey mist down at the cells, so that they couldn’t see a thing for a while. Then the fog dissipated, and they could see Jack, greatcoat and all, lying on the floor, apparently unconscious. The Doctor was supporting Tosh – pretty, female and petite as ever – into a sitting position, as she couldn’t do it on her own yet.
Janet, back to her usual charming self, was howling in the farthest corner of her cell, and even Gwen seemed to be her old self again.
Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, of course, was up to debate.
Archie, too, sat on the floor, slumped against the wall, breathing heavily. The artefact was grey and dead once again. They could only hope that it hadn’t burned out beyond the chance of one last recharging.
“Come,” Martha said to Owen. “By the sight of it, everyone but the Doctor is in shock. They’ll need medical assistance down there.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In the end, it took almost two days for everyone to recover. Jack used the time to talk with Rhys, explaining him that Gwen had suffered a head trauma and lost her memory due to an unfortunate accident of her own doing.
“She wouldn’t remember working for Torchwood at all,” he added, “and there’s no way to know just yet how far back the amnesia goes, although our doctors estimate it to be about two years or so.”
He also suggested that Rhys would do better if he moved with her to another town.
“Torchwood will provide the financial means for the move,” he explained.
Rhys was so happy with the arrangement – he’d always hated Gwen’s secretive new job that ruined their private life; plus he was all too eager to remove Gwen from Jack’s proximity – that they didn’t even have to Retcon him. Which made things a lot less complicated. He’d keep Gwen away from people and places that could trigger her memories, and they’d live happily ever after somewhere else. Preferably far, far away.
Andy asked for a transfer to Torchwood, and – thanks to the help of one Detective Inspector Henderson who could never deny Jack anything – he got it, taking over Gwen’s place. Tosh and Martha left with the Doctor, promising that they’ll be all back in six months to help the rest of the team get back to their true selves. Archie returned to Glasgow but would also be back in half a year’s time.
Reports of the strange stone monsters having vanished from the sewers kept Cardiff all excited for the next couple of weeks. The archaeologist, having seen himself on the ruins of his potentially sensational discovery, suffered a nervous breakdown and was now treated in a mental institute. Other than that, things returned to normal.
The dry cleaner’s was a tourist office again, much to Ianto’s relief, who was now promoted to tech girl, although he shared those duties with Jack. As foreseen, even their combined efforts weren’t enough to even come close to Tosh’ usual efficiency, though. She was a genius, after all, and sometimes Jack regretted allowing her to go with the Doctor, even for such a limited time.
At other times he did not. Tosh deserved to have an adventure and to see the wonders of the universe. Besides, in her absence Jack could pretend to have to work late with Ianto. Not that either Owen or Andy would buy it, but that wasn’t the point. Trying to come up with halfway convincing excuses to stay alone with Ianto and shag him on every available surface within the Hub was part of the fun.
“You know,” he said after a particularly energetic exercise in the hothouse, “we really need to find a part-time receptionist. At this rate, we’ll be both run ragged within weeks, even though Myfanwy takes care of the rubbish.”
“Promises, promises,” Ianto replied airily and followed him into the shower.
Epilogue
