The pitfalls of friendslists

[wiseheart]

Sometimes I wish I knew how to set up filters properly. There is stuff I would like to get off my chest sometimes but cannot, not even in a flocked entry, because some people would feel attacked and get all defensive or insulted or whatnot. Just recently, someone made a text comment that I felt hurtful but cannot talk about it because the person is on my flist, and I don't want to hurt them. It was a fairly innocent thing to say; it is not their fault that my interpretation of frienship is a bit peculiar and I was hurt.

Of course, I could make private entries to went a bit, or disable comments entirely, but then it wouldn't make much sense to have a journal in the first place right? I could return to the handwritten version and let all the hurts and neglects fester...

Comments

[jenn-calaelen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I don't have any suggestions, just sympathy.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

Sympathy is good! *hugs back*

[elmey.livejournal.com]

It's difficult when you feel you have to watch your tongue constantly. My public posts are mostly innocuous, but I've set up filters for certain things. The main issue is remembering to apply them when I vent :)

I know it sounds complicated to set up filters, but it really isn't. All the steps are in the "Managing Your Custom Friends Groups" section:
http://www.livejournal.com/support/faq/102.html

If you want to try it, I could help you walk through the steps as you're doing it...

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

I might give it a try. I rarely make any flocked post - the main goal of this journal is to communicate with people, after all - but I don't want people to feel offended. OTOH, I really need to whine sometimes, and having an audience, no matter how small a circle is it, helps.

[elmey.livejournal.com]

Well if you do need help, just shout. I have a "rant" filter :)

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

Have filters but don't use them much, just put stuff under a cut. But I do get how it would be a problem if you just need to talk about one post. Sorry, that's not much use, I guess!

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

That's all right, we can't always solve every problem. :)

[sammydragoncat]

*hugs* sorry about your situation.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

I think the basic problem is that I tend to expect from people who call themselves "friends" the same things I would be willing to do for them - while they are usually a lot less dedicated than I am.

Thanks for the shoulder to cry on. :)

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

I have multiple filters. You are in my "inner circle" one. If you need help setting up filters just ask.If you need someone to vent to I'm just an e mail away.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hate to be whiny, but sometimes I can't help it.

[lhun-dweller.livejournal.com]

I am often guilty of feeling that I should jump in and try to fix things or say something to make the person feel better, in LJ and RL. As you've noted, that's not always what the person who is venting wants. So, another friend of mine has developed a way of letting me know she just wants to vent. Before she starts, she'll say, "I'm NOT looking for analysis or solutions. I just want to vent/tell you about this." That cues me to just shut up and listen.

I don't know if that would work with everyone on LJ, but feel free to use her "introduction" at the start of any LJ entry. Once you've made it clear what you want, you'll know that anyone who ignores it isn't really listening anyway, so you can, in turn, ignore whatever they post. (And yes, I note the irony that I am suggesting a solution!)