Empty

[wiseheart]

Depressing stuff behind the tag. You've been warned.

I haven't written a word since finishing "Atonement" two days ago, which is unusual for me. I haven't even felt like writing, which is even stranger. All I did in the creative area was stitching a few Christmas cards. They're pretty, by the way.

When I whine about the lack of (positive) feedback and appreciation, some self-righteous people always start lecturing me that I should write for the joy of writing, not so that I'd get praise. Which is fairly ridiculous, since that's what I'm doing most of the time, given the amount of interest (or rather he lack of it) with which my work is met. But yeah, I do like comments. Nice ones. Everyone does. Otherwise they woulnd't publish anything, wouldn't they? So, why is it okay from others to want it but so horribly wrong from me?

I wonder if I've reached the point where "the joy of writing" has simply abandoned me. I hope it hasn't at least not for good. I very much want to do picowrimo in November again. But there can come a point when one gets fed up with being ignored by most people. When seing others getting that what's not granted you makes you horribly jealous and resentful, even towards the people you consider friends if they're luckier than you.

I don't want to be such a person. Truly, I don't. I fight those feelings on a daily basis. But it's an uphill struggle. Because my writing isn't just a hobby for me - it never way. It has been an integral part of me since the age of ten, and knowing how old I am, that's a damn long time. And I'm good at it, even hampered by a language not my own, and I won't play the false modesty part and saying that I'm not.

I never had the luck to get published; when I was young, you needed incredibly good contacts for it, now you'd need obscene amounts of cash to do it on your own, and I never had any of those. I thought that in this fanfiction business at least I can make a lasting impression. After all, fandom means people who like the same things, right?

The same things, unless they're written by me, it appears. My apologies to the few wonderful people who still soldier on, reading and commenting. You know who you are and I love you more than you can imagine. Your support means everything to me. It reassures me that yes, indeed, I don't write crap. So why can't other people see it, too?

I'm so horribly tired of it. I'm tired of trembling whenever I log in to Hotmail to see if I got any reviews on FF.Net; and then trembling whether it will be abuse or nitpicking or some other unpleasant comment. I do periodically attract mean-spirited idiots who only review to take the story apart. If only who supposedly like it would be half so eager to comment!

I'm tired of checking and re-checking LJ if there are any new comments, while noticing involuntarily that other people's stories have them by the dozens. I know it's not about the numbers, but sometimes, just sometimes, I'd like to have the numbers, too, so that I could be condescending to others and tell them that the numbers doesn't matter.

Yes, they do, dammit! The numbers mean that so and so many people like your stuff, and that's a fact that can't be changed or explained away.

I'm tired of it. Tired of it all. I'd just roll up and sleep for a year or so if I could. I'm too old to be still the unpopular kid in the class - yet I apparently am. :(