There was a time...

[wiseheart]

There are ugly thoughts behind the tag, so read it at your own discretion. I've also taken the liberty to screen the comments, so that I can delete them when they are being hurtful, before anyone else would read them. I don't feel up to dealing with public abuse. Sorry.

There was a time when I could discuss story ideas and plot development with my so-called friends in the Tolkien fandom. Not necessarily because they would have been really interested in what I was doing but because I was useful for them as a sounding board. Until I was no longer, or until they found someone they thought would be more useful. Then they dropped me like a hot potato.

The fact that I no longer have contact with them is small comfort, because really, with friends like that who needs enemies?

It seems to be a tendency, both in various fandoms and in real life, that people take my friendship and support for granted, without the idea of reciprocation occurring to them. In real life, I don't care. But in fandom, I find this the greatest discourtesy I can think of. Right after using my ideas and world-building work without giving credit. Apparently, being big name authors excuse someone from the rules of common courtesy.

The problem is, that there were only a handful people who ever read my stuff to begin with. Now when these so-called friends either wandered off to other fandoms or decided that they no longer need me because they had enough sycophants already, I've practically lost the major part of my readers, too.

And I lost the chance to talk about writing to anyone. I really miss that. Despite the circumstances, it was inspiring. Back in the Stone Age, when I was writing original fantasy, I regularly discussed my Grand Epos (TM) with a real life friend, and it was very helpful. Until she no longer needed me for keeping her suicidal tendencies at bay and walked out on me - not clearly and dramatically, just in secret. It took me months to realize it.

In a manner, the same thing happened to me in the Tolkien fandom as well. Only that it's a lot easier to marginalize someone in cyberspace. The walls of silence grow around you invisibly , and after a year or two or whatnot you suddenly realize that you are practically nonexistent. You've become an insignificant footnote and nobody gives a shit about you.

It doesn't matter whether you've learned a lot about writing or not. Whether your English has become better or deteriorated while you were absent from the fandom. It doesn't matter whether you start a new story or pick up a long-overdue WIP. It's irrelevant in which genre and age you write or which characters feature in your story. You're invisible, and nobody cares, beacause you never belonged to any of the influential cliques within the fandom, and without the secret handshake, you simply don't exist.

Not even for the people who once pretended to be your friends. Especially not for those people.

If I didn't have so many unfinished WIPs, I'd probably turn my back on this fandom entirely. But I tend to finish things that I have started; besides, I still believe that my stuff is good and worth reading, even if I'm the only person left on this planet who does. So they will be finished. I'd just like to ask those people who always accused me of writing for the reviews and the attention only: how the f*ck am I supposed to do that? For that, I'd need to actually have reviews and attention, right?

And no, getting a few nice comments on the MEFAs don't count. Even if the people on my own mailing list don't forget to alert me that they've started. They're the exception, not the rule, and between two rounds nobody will give a shit again. That's not very... inspiring, to be honest.

Every writer wants readers. It's that simple. Those who say otherwise are lying. So why is it a crime when I dare to hope for the same? Why should I be ashamed for wishing for a little support, encouragement and appreciation? Why am I supposed to be grateful for nitpickers and mean-spirited reviewers (which is the major part of what little feedback I get), when nothing else comes?

Okay, I know it wasn't very coherent. I actually lost my track somewhere mid-way. It doesn't matter. I needed to get this off my chest. I don't expect anything to change in the near future - or in the far future, to be honest. I've learned my lesson; this is not a recent phenomenon anyway. I've just reached a point again when I needed to vent my frustration.



Oh, and I've done a little more trimming on my friendslist. I'm just done with caring for people who don't care for me.

Comments

[jenn-calaelen.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I can't really think of anything helpful or encouraging to say - I have no idea how to get people to behave decently or actually care, let alone read/comment. It just does seem to be the case (like the rest of life) some people are magically popular for no particular reason and the rest of us are left at the edges and then supposed to be grateful for anything.
I'm sorry that I'm not around more to keep up with reading/commenting and for discussions - I wish there was more I could do to help, but I know how far I am behind on everything already... maybe at some point life will give me a chance to actually catch up. (I know I still owe you am email about Flarn Manages as well as probably other replies to things and I will get to it at some point (hopefully reasonably soon, but that relies on things that require too much mental energy not coming up - sadly too much of my energy always seems to go on just making some progress in life stuff)

It really seems like the South Haven list is mostly dead, I don't know if it is revivable - I was pondering posting to it, prodding questions around the Palantirs but my thoughts are really sorted yet, and so on.

Sorry for the long rambling comment - I really can't think what to say to help, but wanted to say something. I really wish I could help.
*more hugs*

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Edhellond has been dead for quite some time. Most of the members have fallen out of the fandom, and those who haven't have shifted their activities to more popular places. I mostly use the Files section now to post my stuff and sometimes I make announcements, so that Dís, who isn't often around LJ, can keep up with any updates.

You should concentrate on getting better first and getting your life onto the path you want it to follow. Stories and discussions can wait. But if you wish to discuss the palantírs on the list, I'd gladly do it with you. :)

[jenn-calaelen.livejournal.com]

You should concentrate on getting better first and getting your life onto the path you want it to follow. Stories and discussions can wait. But if you wish to discuss the palantírs on the list, I'd gladly do it with you. :)
I'm trying - but spending time on fun things (especially creative and/or interactive things - so writing, discussion etc) is a good way to actually help myself make progress as it helps to keep my depression at bay.
Posted about Palantiri - hopefully it makes some sense and gives us something to discuss. :)

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

True enough - having a little creative fun can be helpful. I'll look up your post and see what I can contribute. :)

[jenn-calaelen.livejournal.com]

Whenever you have time and energy that would be wonderful - the story and research are floating around the back of my mind and slowly getting sorted. :)

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to it. That's such an interesting time, and there are so very few stories dealing with it.

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I'm not online as much these days and I stick to reading stories about Aragorn in the Tolkien fandom. I do really love your Brother Cadfael stories, though. I'm always happy to help with anything I know about.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Linda. I know you're only interested in Aragorn, and since I hardly ever write him, I never expected you to read my Tolkien stuff. I'm glad you like the Cadfael stores, thoug. They need readers, too. :)

[skyfiery.livejournal.com]

I really hope I'm not one of those people. >.<

I wish I had the energy and strength to actually start reading anything in general again, without feeling like I need to use all that strength just to get through the day because of this stupid persistent depression thing.

With that said, though, I'd DEFINITELY read any of your Tolkien WIPs if you do continue them. I loved them when I read them and I definitely still love them at lot. I think you're one of the really good Tolk-fic writers actually.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

I know you've got real life issues. It's okay. You haven't really been around the Tolkien fandom for a while, have you?

[skyfiery.livejournal.com]

I stopped writing totally about eight years ago, so I haven't been in any fandom for at least that long, either.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

A shame, really. I still have "Songbringer" somewhere on my HD. I was hoping you'll decide to continue it one day.

[ooxc.livejournal.com]

I hope that writing this out has made you feel better, not worse. Having met you in rel life, I find it hard to understand how anyone could be unkind to you -

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

They're not unkind to me as a person, you know. They just think they know everything better and feel the need to prove it.

[solanpolarn.livejournal.com]

I am afraid I don't have anything helpful to say here, but I still wanted to say I am sorry you are falling foul of people being selfish and stuck-up. *hugs* I haven't really got into the Tolkien fandom, as such, though I consider myself a Tolkien fan; I mostly like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings and will tend to re-read those when I am looking for a fix. Part of my problem may be that I found on-line fandom around the time that the Peter Jackson films came out, and while I think they are OKish they are very much not my canon but they did seem to be for the people writing Tolkien fanfic. That is of course a perfectly valid point-of-view, but not what I was interested in so I have just never dipped back in. There is only so much time in a day after all, and so many more things to read than I could manage in said time.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

I don't like movieverse fanfic, either. I wasn't happy with the movies; my complaints about them could (and did) fill pages upon pages. Which is why I always write bookverse stuff; with my own little twists.

I can understand the lack of time and energy to experiment. I've read woefully little lately myself, which is a shame, but writing and research eat what little spare time I have. Unless I'm baking, that is. *g*

[stevie-carroll.livejournal.com]

I don't have nearly enough time for writing right now, but thanks to you I've bought a secondhand copy of the first Cadfael omnibus. Shall eventually let you know what I think of the stories.

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

Congratulations! You'll have so much joy with Cadfael! Those are really great books, and I'm glad you felt inclined to read them. *is proud of having spread the Cadfael love.

[lhun-dweller.livejournal.com]

You're in my thoughts, Friend. I'm working on seven projects at work and after home chores, I find I have little left in me to read much of anything. I'm hoping that when The Project That Must End at work really ends, I will regain the time and energy to read your works and those of others, and perhaps even finish some of my own writing.

I am saving your Cadfael fic for a time when I can read it right through. I must confess I've not looked at the Dwarf stories because I utterly lack the canon knowledge to appreciate the level of craft and canon knowledge I'm sure you put into them. However, for what it's worth, I take delight in seeing notices that you've posted more of it because it means you are writing again -- and that, Dear One, is a very fine thing indeed! [hugs]

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

No worries! You ought to know by now that you weren't meant, right? After all, we still *are* in contact, aren't we?

Good luck with The Project! *hugs back*

Oh, and BTW, you don't need canon knowledge to read the Dwarf story. You can always read it as if it were original fiction. ;)

[ithilwen.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so isolated in Tolkien fandom these days. I think a big part of the problem is that the fandom has simply gotten smaller. Maybe that trend will be reversed when the new Hobbit movie comes out?

[wiseheart.livejournal.com]

I'm trying not to put my hopes high. That way bitter disappointment lies. :(